A) The obvious one: Getting a Kidney Infection & Sepsis leading to my hospitalization & then rendering me a useless, miserable couch potato at home. By the way I have learned too much down time and time inside is detrimental to my mental health. As in I would go stark raving mad if I had to do this much longer. My IV is my new companion. Even that doesn't go as planned and doesn't stay long thanks to my inability to be a true couch potato as necessary for this endeavor. It's much harder than is sounds!
B) Being induced at 37 Weeks: I have yet to truly get the reason for this. I've heard due to my kidney infection & sepsis and I have heard due to my health history. I'm not getting the health history part as the high risk doc who told me this is the same one I saw the first time who said they had no plans of me delivering early or doing much different with me pregnancy-wise besides more monitoring and changes if needed. Now he says "the longer I go the more likely it is something could rupture." Interesting how I had never heard of that til 35 weeks. Maybe it's best. The thought of internal things rupturing isn't a very calming thought. If I had known that from the beginning I am sure I would have panicked at every gas pain certain something vital was rupturing.
C) Me Not Having My Doctor: So my 37 week (a.k.a. induction mark) just so falls during the time my OB takes a 3 week trip out of country. This is the doc who I researched diligently and finally felt secure in mind you. Now she is up and in another country. I had a melt down over that one that she walked in on. I didn't tell her it was because of that. I played it off on me being stuck in the hospital til delivery. I guess the omission was somewhat beneficial because she got me out of there. I joked that she had probably planned it where she could pawn me off on someone while she was thousands of miles away. I know I make her nervous. After all she did tell me I "scare her." She went on and on about how upset she was to miss this but I'm sure she was happy dancing & breathing a sigh of relief as soon as she shut the door to my room.
D) Substitute Doc May Not Really Be A Substitute After All: So I was told I'd be seeing the doctor today that would be on the day of induction and deliver me. He was nice but just okay. I wasn't terribly impressed and I felt rushed. I had to blurt out my questions rather than be asked what they were. Not to mention I swear he dilated me to about an 8 and/or broke my pelvis trying to check me. He apologized but that only goes so far when you are certain your innards have been crushed. If that didn't rupture something I'm pretty certain going 3 more weeks wouldn't either. Then at the end of the visit he says "Yeah, I'm on that day so I may see you when we first start inducing. We have lots of partners to help you." Nice...just send any old person floating about my way when the time comes. No worries. I didn't really want any type of rapport, trust or confidence in this person delivering my most precious little girl. At this point I am wanting to request the housekeeping lady who was super sweet during my hospital stay, at least I know her.
E) Induction By Balloon Method: The doc uses some "balloon" word about induction as if I have been told about this. Sounds fun, right!?! Balloons are always good, fun & entertaining. They are brought out for good occasions after all. Well Addison's first balloon doesn't sound so fun or entertaining for Momma. It will come out for a good occasion and hopefully lead to some good but I'd still rather pass. Basically they put a foley catheter in the uterus and put 40 cc of saline in it to make it into the infamous balloon. Then they will tape it to my leg and it is to apply pressure and help me dilate. When you get to 4 centimeters it falls out. I guess we will all cheer when the "ball drops" so to speak. Sounds like misery to me. And of course I had to go read horror stories about it on stupid baby forums and blogs. When will I learn!?! My original OB had talked about some suppository things they put up there to prep the cervix but nothing about this. I was too busy trying to wrap my mind around it all to think to ask why that route versus the other. I'm thinking it's because I am 37 weeks so as he put it my body may not be ready which increases my risk of the induction being unsuccessful (that too sounds fun!). When I asked how long we'd go before declaring it unsuccessful and doing a c-section he said we would be "aggressive" with me as they are so leery of a c-section. (Seriously every doc, nurse or resident who talks to me acts like they are deathly afraid of doing a c-section on me. It isn't really comforting. I wish one person would feign confidence for my peace of mind.) The word "aggressive" was thrown about a few times. I cringed internally each time. I want nothing aggressive. I want gentle and sweet. I'll pass on aggressive. No one asked me though.
F) The Epidural May Not Work: Now this is the case with everyone. People without unusual health issues can run into this. Apparently that miracle drug only works 85% of the time. In me they said it is an increased risk to not work due to my spine not being normal. If it does work it is also an increased risk of it not working well or being patchy. If this is the case and I need a c-section they will have to put me out under general anesthesia as they feel a spinal is too risky with my weirdo spine. Yay for my weirdness putting a kink in things again.
Again...more questions, few answers or certainty. The common thread is the uncertainty. I don't even know if I am going home with IV antibiotics after baby or staying longer in the hospital to get IV antibiotics like they initially said or what. For a girl who likes to plan this is hard. I feel like I can't prepare for anything because anything could happen. My mind is a torture chamber right now. If you can think of something to worry about it's been there. It's running a marathon of "What ifs" and "Oh no's." I know it's the enemy trying to steal my joy. Here I am at the finish line about to meet our little miracle & I have lost focus of all that is good. I know they say that labor is unpredictable, blah, blah, blah. I get it. But in my case it seems even more so. Well played, God, well played. I have no choice but to pray and lean on Him. Sadly it usually takes me to that point before I surrender. To be honest I'm not there yet. I am still playing out all the 5,692 combinations of how this could play out and my game plans for each. Needless to say I am emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed by it all. I have lost focus of the One who set this into motion. I have allowed fear to push out joy and anxiety to override any excitement. I see this and am trying to combat it through prayer and repeating verses and then before I know it there I am caught in it's trap again. The combo of hormones, changes in plans, bunches of down time to think and not feeling well have magnified any possible scenario that I might dislike.I am trying to not let the devil steal my joy from this awesome event but boy is he working in overtime.
*Disclaimer: This post doesn't even touch on the fears I have for Addison or the issues my Grandma is having regarding her health. I can't & won't go there right now as it is 12:30 a.m. and I have already got myself worked up. Again, pray. I am a hot mess!